From 5K to 15K. Nope, not yet.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my spontaneous stupidity when I signed up for a 15K running event.

You can read that blog post here.

In summary, this was stupid because I had only run a 5k distance before and had a short amount of time (just over a month) to train up to the farther distance. I got my run training app downloaded and hit the pavement. Things were going well for the first couple of weeks. I was still scared, but growing in confidence that I could finish and in a respectable time.

So where are things now.....

I got a cold. Not a big deal, but it did throw off my running schedule for a week. When I started to feel better, I went for a 5-miler. It was a struggle, but I still finished within my time range goal even though I had to walk often. I had slightly less than two weeks to run day. My plan had always been to do a least one 7-mile run before the big day.

Then, that cold developed into a sinus infection. Suddenly, I found myself in the final week before the run barely dragging myself through the day. It was rough. I started to feel better and knew I had to get running again as time was running out.

So I went out to attempt a 7-miler.

And struggled. Hard. I was worn down. I was achy. I barely finished 3-miles. I had to slow down for coughing fits. I was as slow as I had ever been.

The big running event was only three days away.

I have a bad habit of being too hard on myself. I don't do a good job of letting go of things I actually have no control over. Whether it was the chunk of money I spent on registration or to show how tough I could be, for a day or so I thought I HAD to do this. I was stressing out. I knew this wasn't going to end well.

Then, I realized THIS was stupid. The stressing. The worry. This isn't life or death. I don't have anything to prove to anyone or myself. It is one day. It is one event.
Could I make a futile attempt at a distance I'm not healthy enough to do right now? Sure.
Would it be miserable? Yeah.
Does it matter if I do it or not? Nope.
In my heart, do I want to do this right now? Nope.

Here I am the day before the run.
I've resigned to the fact that I am not going.

I haven't yet resigned to the fact that I don't need to waste time worrying about my decision. That I need to just let it go and get on with it. That I don't need to sweat the small stuff. This is a life lesson I am still learning as I get older.

I'm not running a 15k...yet.
Someday, I certainly will.

Set Adrift on Parenting Bliss

Up until recently, I haven’t been writing about parenting even though it is the defining element of my life in these last few years. I didn’t because I think others are doing it with more wisdom and insight than I have. What could I possibly have to write about that would help other parents?

I am a hot mess of palm-to-forehead moments.

I am exhausted and confused most of the time.

I make daily inappropriate jokes about selling my children to gypsies.

I yell too much.

I walk a fine parenting line between supermom, adequate, and downright degenerate.

I don't know much about parenting, nothing for certain anyway.

Except one thing.

It really does take a village to raise a child.

I didn't realize how much so until I left my village.

About a year or so after my oldest son was born, we abruptly moved two states away and I found myself adrift, lonely, and lost. I had thought I was strongly independent, a loner even, but I was wrong. I have come to realize parenting requires a network of support for the parents' sanity and the child's well-being. The more caring surrounding parents and children the better. This is something I had taken for granted.

When my first son was born, I lived in a city within an hour of my parents and some other family.  After over a decade of living and working in this city, I had acquired a network of friends that had become family and kind acquaintances. I couldn't go anywhere without seeing someone I knew.

As a first-time parent, along came all of the typical confusion, exhaustion, and fear, but I wasn't alone. Family came for day trips to help. Friends invited me out for walks or came by for coffee and held my son. Other friends had children within months or days of my son's birth. Everywhere we would go, my young son was surrounded by others who loved him almost as much as I did.

If I got into a work crunch or something unplanned came up, there was always someone to step in and help me juggle it all. I had several offers to babysit as needed. I had play dates and family-friendly work. In that environment, despite the confusion, exhaustion, and fear, I dove into early parenthood with abandon. I appeared at special events and parties. I worked part-time. My infant son and I went out and about. We felt loved and safe. I felt I had a handle on things.

Then, my husband got the opportunity to take a new job in a major city two states away. We were excited for the opportunity and big change. We moved in a flurry of weekend commutes, house showings, and packing. Shortly after settling into a temporary walk-up apartment, I found out I was pregnant again.

Now I was a stay-at-home parent of a toddler, pregnant, and unsettled. For a short time, my husband ended up traveling more than he was home. I wandered between playgrounds and parent and child classes. I made some acquaintances, but people seemed to disappear into the city so easily. See them once and never again. People move neighborhoods and it is as though they crossed an ocean. Everyone seemed to be in a temporary place of waiting to buy something bigger, to move to the suburbs, or transfer to another city. I never knew it could be so easy to be lonely and invisible surrounded by people.

I had imagined making eye-contact with someone struggling to get the stroller up the curb would be automatic solidarity. We would give a head nod and have each other's back. However, at least in my neighborhood, parenting turned out to be a competition for preschool spots, early-learning classes, languages spoken, and advanced skills. Sarcastic comments about drinking cocktails at nap time and selling my children to gypsies were met with strange looks and slow shakes of the head. Part of the competition was taking parenting VERY seriously. I didn't quite fit in.

I missed my support system. I missed impromptu Sunday afternoon family gatherings. I missed talks with friends over coffee about how grossly unprepared we were to be responsible for these little people. I missed knowing someone was only a phone call and a few blocks away at all times. I missed group dinners and inside jokes. I missed the safety net.

My second son was born and I was overwhelmed by having an infant and toddler. My kids spent almost all of their time with only me. I didn't think this was the best thing for either of us. In this environment, steeped in confusion, exhaustion, and fear, I withdrew into myself. I was sad without knowing why. I felt anxious all of the time. I didn’t get out much or go very far. I did not have a handle on things.

People need people.

It is simple and true.

And perhaps never more so than when you are parenting young children.

Eventually, we moved again out of the city into a distant suburban/country setting. My husband takes a long train to work. We bought a house. We are settled here.

 I am slowly building a village. I see the same people from place to place. People invite me to do things. My kids are starting to spend time at other people's houses. My oldest son goes to school. I have some friends I could call to watch the kids or help with a flat tire. I know before too long I won't be able to go anywhere without seeing someone I know.

I still miss my first village. My roots there run so deep, but roots can regrow, if they are tenacious enough.

I write this as a thank you to that place.

And also as a reminder to myself to never forget to keep building and cultivating a village around my family.

To remember that I can't do it alone.

That it is okay to say I need help.

Maybe to remind someone else to be grateful for the people that show up in their life every day.

I don't know much about parenting, except I know this one thing.

You need those people more than you think you do.

From 5k to 15k

Maybe.

In most of my daily life, I am overly cautious and responsible.  I was always the "good kid" and I have continued to be the "good adult." I don't speed. I don't cheat on my taxes. I follow the rules. I don't make waves. I don't send my food back when it isn't right. I wait in lines without complaining.

But every once in a while, I'm sure as a direct result of this "goodness," I do something completely spontaneous and stupid.

Sometimes these things are downright dangerous and sometimes they are silly and small. Past spontaneous stupidities have included, but are not limited to, skydiving attached to a guy named Bubba, walking into a rave party in a foreign country, and running off to Hawaii to elope with my husband.

Since I am now a mom, my spontaneous stupidity isn't dangerous anymore, but it still appears as "doing-things-not-properly-thought-out-and-then-kicking-myself-later."

For example, signing up for a 15K running event when I have never run farther than 5K in my life. That is just over 9-miles.

Oh, and the running event is only about 4-weeks away.

And I barely tolerate running.

Why did I do this?
Besides the whole spontaneous stupidity thing?

As you may know if you follow this blog, my journey to better health and fitness has been a squiggly one. I struggle to lose weight and maintain weight loss. I struggle to keep consistently active. I have found that I do better when I have a short-term goal in sight, such as completing one entire exercise DVD program in 60 days or running in a specific event on a specific date.

Over the summer, I have been running in 5K events. I have enjoyed this. The events are fun, I usually have a small group of friends running in the same events, and I get a free t-shirt. I will do almost anything for a free t-shirt .In the back of my mind, I entertained the idea of bumping up to a 10k distance next spring.

Then, I saw an advertisement for the Hot Chocolate 15k/5k in Chicago.
My husband has run this race and raved about the swag and chocolate fondue fountains.
Running toward chocolate? This I want to do.

 I had planned to run the 5k, but somehow my brain got hung up on the idea of really challenging myself. I need a real kick-in-the-pants this time of year. Why not run farther than I ever have before? Why not run farther than I honestly think I even can?

So before I could think about it too much, I went and registered for the 15k.

Then, I freaked out.

That is a big distance jump in a short amount of time. Is it even possible? Is it even possible for me?

To be honest, I don't know.

Right now, I am just focusing on getting to 10k and hoping I can rotate running/walking/stumbling to get the rest of the way. I am using a running phone app called RunDouble for a training schedule, I borrowed a jogging stroller from a friend, and I'm trying to keep the mindset that I am all in.

My running partner and me

I know my biggest obstacle right now isn't physical, but mental. Running is hard for me and I almost panic when I get farther than 5K. I think I have to stop even though my body could still go. I think about the distance and feel overwhelmed. I have to focus on one mile at a time. I still have to slow down and walk for short bursts often, but so far I'm slowly getting farther and faster than I have ever been before. Will I be ready?

 I'm not confident I can get up to a long enough distance in time and I'm not sure what I'm going to do as the event approaches if I feel like I won't be able to pull it off. Will I not even go? Will I go and finish no matter how long it takes?

To be honest, I don't know.

But I'm going forward anyway.

Mainly because it cost a nice chunk of change to register, but also because I've never regretted a single one of the spontaneous, stupid things I have ever done. Ever. No matter how stupid.

Time to make a running playlist that will last for 15k. Oh, man.

Sweet Garden Eats

Back to trying some new recipes and sharing what works for me and for my picky eaters.

These recipes I had no trouble getting my family to eat because these are two new recipes I tried that are sweet. One is still a sneaky way to once again get my kids to eat a vegetable they normally wouldn't, while the other is so good, you will want to eat it morning, noon, and night.

Summer Squash Bread

They call this a bread, but I would say it is more like a cake. This is not something I would serve with a meal, but as a dessert. As you can see in the recipe, it has a lot of sugar in it, but also an entire large squash. So perhaps it is far from the healthiest way to serve squash, but it is delicious and my kids were thrilled that I had baked a "cake." There were dances of joy, everyone on their best behavior, and shouts of "Cake! Cake! Mommy is the best!" My oldest even asked if I could make it for his birthday cake.

It IS really pretty darn good, especially with a cup of coffee.

Blueberry Breakfast Bars

So these blueberries did not come from my garden, we went to The Blueberry Ranch in northern Indiana earlier this summer and stocked our freezer with their organic blueberries. 

I spotted this breakfast bar recipe in the latest issue of Parents magazine. I though it would be great to make ahead of time on the weekend and have handy to pull out for breakfast. My oldest, in kindergarten, has a long school day so we need to eat big healthy, hearty breakfasts, but I don't always want to get into too much preparation and cooking in the morning. 

This recipes uses blueberry preserves in addition to the whole blueberries. Preserves are yummy, but also high in sugar. If you want to serve these bars and not have the sugar, there is a fairly easy way. You can find or make no-sugar blueberry jam with only three ingredients: blueberries, honey, and lemon juice. Here is a recipe to make your own Honey Blueberry Jam.  This is the recipe I used. 

These breakfast bars are amazing. A new family favorite of everyone for anytime. These can keep in the fridge or be frozen for later use. Eat them cold or warm them up in the microwave. My kids loved to dip them in milk and my husband and I loved them with our morning coffee. These travel well for an on-the-go snack. I make a large batch on the weekend and we use them for breakfasts and snacks throughout the week. Love, love, love these breakfast bars. 

As always, I love to hear about recipes you have tried that you think I (or my little heathens) might like. 

Have a great day! 

Garden Eats

I like food. A lot.

I have not, however, always enjoyed cooking. Perhaps only because I didn't really do much of it until becoming a mom. Despite my amateur status, I enjoy trying out new recipes and learning to make foods myself that I would have purchased in the past.

When I blog about food, my goal is to share recipes I have tried that did not make me cry in the kitchen and that I could get my entire family to eat.

The last couple of months, I have been able to harvest a variety of fresh, organic produce from my garden. I triumphantly hull a rainbow of vegetables into the house, only to have my kids wrinkle their noses and announce, "Yuck!" I make vegetables anyway, put it on their plates, and then watch them push the vegetables around and make dramatic faces of distaste. Someday one of these vegetables may accidentally get into one of their mouths, but until then, I do want some of these healthy nutrients to get into their bodies. To do so, I play dirty. I look for recipes that disguise the vegetables from the eyes and palates of my little ones in the form of foods they love, such as chips and fries. Then, I laugh a low, evil laugh as they unknowingly gobble up a wide variety of "Yuck!"

Here are some of the recipes I've tried the last few weeks that went over really well.
If you click on the brown name of each dish, it will open the link for the recipe.

Baked Sweet Potato Chips

I have made this easy Martha Stewart recipe several times in the last couple months and my family couldn't get enough. I especially enjoyed adding the spritz of lime in this recipe. It gave the chips a summer evening flair. To get these chips crispy, I would suggest soaking the sliced pieces of potato in water for an hour or a few hours to remove some of the starch. Trust me. It will make them better.

Kale Chips

Kale chips are kind of a thing right now. I keep seeing people posting about them on Facebook and pinning them on Pinterest. There is a reason for this - kale is super healthy for you and kale chips are incredibly delicious. I thought for sure my kids would not fall for these because the chips do come out still green and obviously leaf-like. Lo and behold, my kids fell hard in love with kale chips.

That is once I got them right.

There are many different ways kale chips can be prepared. They can be salty, spicy, cheesy, and more. I glanced at this recipe and went for it: oven 350 degrees, toss kale leaves in olive oil and salt, put them on a baking sheet. How can something so simple be messed up?

If there is a way to mess up a recipe, I will discover it for you. Watch them while they are in the oven. Closely. They need to bake only a few minutes and the difference between the perfect kale chip and a black curled wisp of ash is apparently only seconds. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades....and also kale chips.

I don't even have a picture of kale chips I have made, except for the first-attempt wisps of ash. As soon as I take them out of the oven, my family starts hovering around and eating them off of the baking sheet before I can even get the chips to a bowl or plate. Yes, that good.

Eggplant Fries

I ended up with only two eggplant, but they were huge. I had no idea what to do with them. I went searching for something I thought the kids would like and found this recipe for Eggplant Fries. My oldest was onto me and didn't eat very much, but my 2-year old loved these. They are very messy to make, but come out very tasty and fun to eat.

Baked Zucchini Chips

Zucchini exploded out of my garden this year. I could not keep up. I donated several, made zucchini bread, zucchini pancakes, and zucchini guacamole. I had never tried Zucchini Chips before. My kids ate them, but I think these were the favorite of my husband. He wanted me to make another batch he could snack on at night.

I know it is healthier to make the last two vegetables in their most basic and not breaded form, but these recipes got my kids to eat vegetables they normally wouldn't even allow to touch their plate. I'm hoping this will lead them to someday accept these vegetable when they are able to discern the underlying flavor. For now, I'm just happy zucchini and eggplant entered their bodies. I'll take it.

If you try any of these recipes, or if you have a similar recipe you like even better, I'd love to hear about it.
Feel free to share in the comments.

Twelve Adventures and a Happy Face

As you may know, I haven't been over here much because I've been busy over at Counting by 12s, blogging about the 12 little adventures I did this month and will continue to do every month this year. My first month over there has been fun, but more work than I had prepared for. Sure, the blogs are short, but I also have to plan, prepare, and actually DO the 12 projects. This, I had not thought out and I'm surprised I pulled it off. There were definitely some late nights and some flying-by-the-seat-of-pants. There have also been some personal revelations.

 I had no idea how much I had forgotten of myself until I started this project. It is so easy and so common to lose yourself in parenthood, especially early parenthood.  I had confidently said this would never be me. I would do it all, I had declared. I would balance work, parenting, my social life, home, and make it look effortless. I would be a supermom. I would put those sitcom mothers to shame, to shame, I said. I remember speaking confidently and arrogantly to my friends before the birth of my first son, "What is the big deal? You hire a babysitter and you rock it out, right?"

Here I am, years later, with two children under the age of 5 and no sense of what I'm doing now nor what I want to do next. Through a series of moves, I left behind careers I loved. I stopped following and participating in things that I enjoyed doing because it may appear frivolous. I let hobbies and hopes become second-thoughts, and then, no thoughts at all. I let my relationships with friends dwindle and disappear. I did all of this willingly. I made the easy choice to completely focus on what was directly in front of me. I got lazy. Doing it all is impossible, something must give, but I didn't even try to find a balance or fight for it. I just let myself go.

Through doing the Counting by 12s project, I'm learning that giving some time to myself and doing some of the things that I love to do brings balance. Suddenly, I see bits and pieces of the old me showing through. I'm not taking anything away from parenting, or from working, because by taking more for myself, I'm actually able to give more of myself. I don't know that anyone had taught me that, but it is proving steady and true. Sure, there is more dog hair than usual on the floor, the laundry mountain is higher, I didn't get that work email responded to right away, and my 2-year-old is still in his pajamas at 4 p.m. So what? I got to read a book this month, watch a movie by myself, laugh with friends, and go on an afternoon hike. Then, I even got to write about it. Small things that make me feel happy. Small things that make me a more whole and present person for everyone in my life.

One of the phrases my 2-year-old likes to say is, "Me happy! Mommy happy?" Always a question I would answer with a smile and a "Yes.Yes, sweetheart."

After coming home from one my adventures, my 2-year-old touched my face and said, "Me happy! Mommy happy!" I realized for the first time, he didn't phrase it as a question. He could already see and feel the answer.

Follow my monthly adventures over at www.countingby12s.com.

"If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try." -Seth Godin

At the beginning of the year, I said to myself and my husband that I felt like something was happening this year. That I felt some sort of fire to get moving. That I felt I was on the cusp of becoming the person I'm supposed to be, that I may actually be on the cusp of being a "grown-up." These thoughts can very well be the early symptoms of a mid-life crisis, but I wanted to make these feelings work for me in a positive way, instead of becoming a 40 year old that dresses like Miley Cyrus. So I decided two things: I'm going to do some things that I've always secretly wanted to do and if some opportunities come before me that scare me out of my wits, then I'm going to take those opportunities.

Both of these things presented themselves to me in the same package.
I found out about the website Counting by 12s , where 12 people are blogging about taking on 12 goals and adventures every month for the entire year, and I found out that I could be one of those people. Lots of things about this make me nervous, living out loud and publicly, the no-excuses time-sensitive pressure to do these things every month, doing a few things that scare me and take me out of my comfort zone. But I'm doing it.

You can see my first post with my List of 12 here at the Counting by 12s website. 
You can meet the people that are doing this project together and  inspiring other people to take some time for themselves and do the things, little and big, that you only dream and hope about. Watch me take back some parts of me, go in over my head, get nervous, wonder what the heck I've gotten myself into, and hopefully come to the end of 2013 with goals met, soul refreshed, and well on my way to making big things happen. Watch all of the participants change their lives and move their lives forward, in tiny steps and giant leaps. I hope you will visit often and follow along on this journey and  I'd love to have you play along with us with your own list of 12. Let me know if you are and keep me posted!