Happy New Year

Happy New Year.

Only two months behind.

So where have I been? 

I have been changing some things. Thinking. Stopping and starting. Taking a long, awkward pause. Changing my mind. Thinking some more.

You may notice this blog looks different.

When I starting this blog, it was for a specific reason. Even though I had blogged before, but not for a few years, this blog began because I started selling something from home. I started this blog to share my journey and attract more customers. It was both real and controlled. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a way to create income for a family and feed and clothe children. It is a job. The products were good. The experience was good. People found what they need and want. I don’t have anything negative to say about my experience or what it is to sell these things. I guess, like all things, it just isn't for everyone.

And for a variety of reasons, I don't do it anymore. 

So what is this blog now? 

I thought about deleting it and starting over, but that isn't the truth. I am leaving it as it is and making slight adjustments from this point. 

I am still struggling with exercise and being healthy as I get older. I am still loving and hating running. I am still a parent, befuddled, and nerdy. I am still figuring it all out. 

And now I am more free. I don't have to worry about walking a fine line between writing what I want and attracting and not offending a variety of customers. 

I can explore writing even though my process is full of anxiety and messiness. I can rewrite and tinker with old posts because that is what I like to do. I can write about things you may not agree with. I can curse when I want to. I don't have to care how many people see it. 

This blog is now both old and new. 

It will be fun for me to see where it goes.

Thank you for reading. 

Twelve Adventures and a Happy Face

As you may know, I haven't been over here much because I've been busy over at Counting by 12s, blogging about the 12 little adventures I did this month and will continue to do every month this year. My first month over there has been fun, but more work than I had prepared for. Sure, the blogs are short, but I also have to plan, prepare, and actually DO the 12 projects. This, I had not thought out and I'm surprised I pulled it off. There were definitely some late nights and some flying-by-the-seat-of-pants. There have also been some personal revelations.

 I had no idea how much I had forgotten of myself until I started this project. It is so easy and so common to lose yourself in parenthood, especially early parenthood.  I had confidently said this would never be me. I would do it all, I had declared. I would balance work, parenting, my social life, home, and make it look effortless. I would be a supermom. I would put those sitcom mothers to shame, to shame, I said. I remember speaking confidently and arrogantly to my friends before the birth of my first son, "What is the big deal? You hire a babysitter and you rock it out, right?"

Here I am, years later, with two children under the age of 5 and no sense of what I'm doing now nor what I want to do next. Through a series of moves, I left behind careers I loved. I stopped following and participating in things that I enjoyed doing because it may appear frivolous. I let hobbies and hopes become second-thoughts, and then, no thoughts at all. I let my relationships with friends dwindle and disappear. I did all of this willingly. I made the easy choice to completely focus on what was directly in front of me. I got lazy. Doing it all is impossible, something must give, but I didn't even try to find a balance or fight for it. I just let myself go.

Through doing the Counting by 12s project, I'm learning that giving some time to myself and doing some of the things that I love to do brings balance. Suddenly, I see bits and pieces of the old me showing through. I'm not taking anything away from parenting, or from working, because by taking more for myself, I'm actually able to give more of myself. I don't know that anyone had taught me that, but it is proving steady and true. Sure, there is more dog hair than usual on the floor, the laundry mountain is higher, I didn't get that work email responded to right away, and my 2-year-old is still in his pajamas at 4 p.m. So what? I got to read a book this month, watch a movie by myself, laugh with friends, and go on an afternoon hike. Then, I even got to write about it. Small things that make me feel happy. Small things that make me a more whole and present person for everyone in my life.

One of the phrases my 2-year-old likes to say is, "Me happy! Mommy happy?" Always a question I would answer with a smile and a "Yes.Yes, sweetheart."

After coming home from one my adventures, my 2-year-old touched my face and said, "Me happy! Mommy happy!" I realized for the first time, he didn't phrase it as a question. He could already see and feel the answer.

Follow my monthly adventures over at www.countingby12s.com.

My Problem with Punctuation

....or "No, I don't know how to use a semicolon. There, I said it."

This is embarrassing, but I don't see how I can continue this blog without addressing the issue. So let's just get it out there, the elephant in the room, because if you have been reading any of my stuff here or on Facebook, you have probably noticed that I have a punctuation problem. I don't always know where or how to use it so I either leave it out altogether or just stick random commas wherever I think they may go. That I purposely try to arrange my sentences to avoid having to even use punctuation. When I know there should be something, but I really don't know what it should be, I start to panic, sweat, worry, and ultimately just leave it out or try to make what I think is an obvious typo. So you think my finger just slipped, of course, I would have used the correct punctuation, but alas, really I didn't know. Why didn't you just look it up, you ask? Because my problem with punctuation isn't just a general ignorance and sloppiness, it is a genuine anxiety, perhaps even creeping into phobia. When the rules and exceptions swim before my eyes, I get woozy and confused. I question and second-guess myself. I get anxious about getting the reader to understand. About the balance between getting my point across and not muddying up the waters.

Let me begin by clarifying that I have dabbled in writing my entire life. Even as recently (*cough*) as my early 20's, I thought I might end up just being a writer. I've had good feedback from teachers, professors, and professionals about the word part, but they have always, from high school up through college and even in professional writing, have commented on my "sloppy" attention to punctuation detail. They always praised my way with words and assumed that the punctuation mistakes were because of an off day or just typing too fast. In reality, folks, when it comes to punctuation, I really have no idea what the hell I am doing. I've always been confused and forgetful about the rules. Always spent more time figuring out how to get around punctuation rather than figure out how to use it.

It isn't that I didn't have ample opportunity to learn. I took more than the required English and Grammar courses in college. I even helped other people with their writing and punctuation in my campus' Writing Center. There, when I didn't know what to do, I just used the ole' teaching method of having them look it up on their own, so you know, they could see and learn for themselves and not have me, you know, just tell them. I have books and reference materials. There are websites galore. I read and read good writing all the time. And yet, I am still bewildered by semicolons and colons. Most of the time I'm not certain where a comma should go or not go. And don't even know what to call a dash or if it even counts.

And I know some of my friends are quite bothered by this punctuation problem. They find it distracting and think I should know better. I should represent better. Because my problem is really part of a bigger problem, in an age of computer language, abbreviations, texting, 140 characters or less, posts, blogs, speed, multi-platform expression and communication, everyone is getting sloppy. Punctuation is now an option in most places we are typing or writing words. We don't proofread in these tiny squares on the screen, we simply type, send, and on to the next. Part of me loves that my punctuation problem is more acceptable now and part of me finds it very sad.

So as part of my ongoing quest to be in my best health and my best self by age 40, I'm also going make an effort to take on my punctuation problem. I want to be a better writer by not being afraid to take on the semicolon, the colon, the over/underused comma, and whatever other various dots and dashes I've been avoiding. I know this is a very minor details to our lives, but perhaps it is important in some way to us not letting the speed and briefness of modern life take our written communication and language down to just three capital letters with an explanation mark. Perhaps it is important to keep some of the intricately built sentences that can make reading a simple idea or description dance through your head and stay there. I'm going to pull out some of my books and reference materials and try to make sense of parenthetical expressions and coordinating conjunctions. Perhaps even bring myself to use a semicolon. Someday.

So, my old nemesis, we meet again. I believe we have unfinished business, you and I.